Divorce mediation is an alternative process where spouses meet with a neutral professional to resolve issues outside of court. In mediation, you and your partner work together — often with your attorneys — to discuss parenting plans, property division, support, and other concerns.
The mediator does not make decisions or judge either side; instead the mediator guides the conversation to help you reach an agreement. All discussions in mediation are private and cannot be used later in court. If you reach a settlement, the mediator will draft an agreement that both spouses sign (often called a “parenting agreement” for custody cases or a separation agreement for property issues), which a judge can enter as an order.
If you don’t reach agreement in mediation, the case simply goes back to court for a judge to decide.
How Mediation Works in North Carolina
In North Carolina, spouses can pursue mediation either voluntarily (by hiring a private mediator) or through court programs once a divorce case is filed.
North Carolina’s legal system encourages mediation: a judge may order you into a formal mediation program for family disputes.
For example, under the Family Financial Settlement (FFS) Program, any district court judge may order a mediated settlement conference for contested equitable distribution (property division), alimony, or support claims. During an FFS mediation, you, your spouse, and your lawyers sit with a mediator (often all in one room or in separate rooms) to negotiate property and support issues.
Child Custody Mediation Program
Likewise, North Carolina law requires that all custody and visitation cases be sent to the Child Custody Mediation Program. In practice, that means Raleigh (Wake County) courts mandate mediation for contested custody cases and for property-division (equitable distribution) claims.
Structured Steps
NC’s mediation programs have structured steps.
- For a child custody case, Wake County’s Family Court rules require a parent orientation session first;
- Followed by at least one private mediation meeting.
Wake County typically schedules the orientation within 45 days of filing. If you have custody of children, you will get a notice to attend an orientation class (to learn how mediation works) and then a one- or multi-session mediation.
Parenting Agreement
After each session, the mediator will help you draft a written parenting agreement if you resolve the issues. The court will then review and usually sign that agreement as an order of the court. Importantly, NC’s custody program is free: participants pay no fee; the court provides trained mediators at no cost.
Financial Issues
For financial issues, Wake County follows the statewide FFS rules. If a judge refers your case to mediation, expect to meet with a mediator (often for a day) along with your attorneys. You will go through the couple’s assets, debts, support and alimony in detail. If an agreement is reached, the mediator writes it up for signature and submits it to the court. If not, the case remains on the court’s schedule.
The Exception: Domestic Violence
Domestic violence is an important exception: under NC law, a spouse who has been the victim of abuse can ask the court to waive the mediation requirement. Wake County’s rules explicitly allow a Motion and Order to Waive Custody Mediation if there’s a protective order or allegations of abuse, and the statewide FFS program likewise permits excusing victims of domestic violence from attending a mediation session.
In short, if safety is an issue, the court or mediator can stop the process. Indeed, Wake County mediators have authority to terminate mediation if information arises that “supports terminating mediation for reasons of safety”.
Mediation vs. Traditional Divorce (Litigation)
Mediation and litigation are very different approaches. Mediation is usually faster, cheaper, and more private than going to court. In mediation, you and your spouse control the outcome. You work together to decide terms, instead of having a judge impose a solution.
This often leads to faster resolution: many mediated divorces settle in a day or two of sessions, whereas a contested divorce can take months or years through multiple court hearings.
Cost
In terms of cost, mediation is typically much less expensive. Private mediators in North Carolina often charge around $200–$400 per hour, and you usually only need a few hours or days of mediation time.
By contrast, full litigation can rack up tens of thousands of dollars in attorney fees and court costs over extended discovery and trial preparation.
Privacy
Privacy is another advantage of mediation.
Court records are public, and many people feel anxious about airing personal matters in open court. Mediation, on the other hand, is held in a private meeting room and keeps your discussions confidential. (North Carolina law requires that all mediation communications be “privileged and inadmissible in court”.)
Neither side can subpoena the mediation discussions into evidence later. Finally, mediation lets you tailor creative solutions. Litigators note that mediation often preserves goodwill – a benefit especially important when children are involved.
By comparison, traditional litigation is adversarial: it gives each spouse full legal protection and evidence-gathering tools, but it can be adversarial, public, and unpredictable. In litigation, a judge ultimately makes decisions on contested issues, which means you have less control.
Court-Ordered Child Custody Mediation in Wake County
Under both North Carolina statute and Wake County local rules, child custody and visitation disputes must first go through mediation.
Wake Country Rule 8
Wake County Rule 8 states that any custody case (initial or modification) must participate in mandatory mediation, unless the court grants a waiver. This mirrors NC Gen. Stat. §50-13.1.
- When a custody case is filed, Wake’s Family Court office automatically notifies the Custody Mediation Office. You will receive orders telling you to attend a custody orientation session, then a mediation session.
- Orientation is a short class to explain the process;
- After that, the moving party obtains a mediation date. Both parents (and any third party with custody rights) are required to attend unless a judge exempts you.
What Happens During Custody Mediation
During custody mediation, the mediator will talk with both of you (separately or together) about where the children will live, a visitation schedule, decision-making, and other parenting issues.
The session is confidential and guided by the mediator, who helps you explore options. If you reach a full agreement, the mediator writes a Parenting Agreement which you and the judge sign. If not, you go back to court for a hearing. No discovery (like depositions) is allowed until custody mediation is complete or waived.
Because the court provides these mediators at no cost, custody mediation is free. If one parent has a DV protective order, they can ask the court to waive mediation – valid grounds include abuse, substance problems, or long distance.
For more on custody mediation, see the North Carolina Judicial Branch’s Child Custody and Visitation Mediation Program page and the Wake County Family Court Rules. These official guides explain the two-step process (orientation class plus mediation session) and the waiver rules.
Mediation of Property and Support (Financial Disputes)
When it comes to dividing property, debts, alimony, and support, the Family Financial Settlement (FFS) Program applies.
In Wake County (District Court), a judge can order your divorce financial issues into mediation. Under G.S. 7A‑38.4A, any district court judge “may order a mediated settlement conference” for claims of equitable distribution, alimony, or child support:
- Once ordered, you and your attorney must attend unless the court excuses you.
- During an FFS mediation, both spouses meet (often with attorneys) and work through the financial disclosures.
- The mediator sits with you to negotiate a settlement of property and support. If a settlement is reached, it is drafted into an agreement and sent to the court; if not, the case proceeds to trial. The state provides forms for appointing or reporting mediators, but typically parties agree on a neutral mediator (or the court can appoint one).
There is also a requirement for mediated settlement in Superior Court financial cases. (North Carolina has a “Mediated Settlement Conference Program” in superior court, which similarly encourages mediation of divorce issues.)
In practice, many Raleigh divorces are sent through a settlement conference or private mediation for equitable distribution before trial. Either way, the goal is the same: to encourage settlement. Note that unlike custody mediation, there is usually a fee for a private mediator.
However, mediation fees are generally much lower than full litigation costs – many professional mediators charge roughly $200–$400 per hour, whereas a contested divorce could easily incur thousands of dollars in legal fees. Domestic violence victims also have protection here: NC law allows the court to excuse DV victims from attending an FFS mediation.
Mediation vs. Litigation: Cost, Time, and Privacy
Mediation is often faster and less expensive than a typical courtroom divorce.
In mediation, parties usually meet for one or two full days to negotiate, whereas a litigated divorce can take many court dates spread over months or years. Because mediation uses fewer lawyer-hours and court resources, it generally costs far less.
For example, if each spouse hires attorneys for court, fees can quickly climb. By comparison, spending a few hours with a mediator (at ~$200–$400/hour) is often a small fraction of those costs. As one NC family lawyer notes, “mediation offers a private, more affordable alternative” that lets couples resolve issues faster with less conflict.
Privacy is another benefit. Court trials are public records; anyone can attend. Mediation sessions, however, are held in private conference rooms and are confidential by law. What you say in mediation generally cannot be used in court if the case later goes to trial. This confidentiality encourages open discussion and protects your personal matters from public view.
By contrast, litigation puts your financial and family issues on the record. For many families, keeping sensitive discussions out of the courtroom is a major advantage.
Is Mediation Right for You?
Mediation works best when both spouses are reasonably cooperative, willing to negotiate, and honest about their situation.
It’s ideal if you have a good-faith communication and a roughly equal power balance. In those cases, you can save time, money, and stress by crafting your own agreement rather than litigating. Mediation gives you more control – you decide the outcome, not a stranger in a robe.
Many lawyers observe that mediation “helps to preserve a cooperative relationship” between parents, which can benefit children. It also allows creative solutions (custom agreements for parenting time or asset division) that a judge might not think of.
On the practical side, think about your situation: Is there hope to work together? Can you negotiate calmly? Do you have relatively straightforward finances? If so, mediation may suit you well. Some couples even combine approaches: they mediate certain issues (like property) and leave other disputes for court.
When Mediation May Not Be Appropriate
Mediation is not a good fit in every divorce. It requires both people to participate honestly and respectfully.
Power Imbalance
If there is a significant power imbalance or a history of abuse, mediation can break down or even be unsafe. For example, if one spouse has been controlling or violent, the other person may not feel safe negotiating face-to-face. North Carolina law recognizes this: courts can (and do) waive court-ordered mediation if there are domestic violence or safety concerns.
Spouse Abuse
In fact, Wake County rules list “spouse abuse” as good cause to skip mediation, and state programs will excuse a DV victim from attending. If a party is unwilling to negotiate in good faith, or there’s a serious information dispute (e.g. one spouse hiding assets), mediation may fail.
Contentious or Complex Situations
Similarly, if your case is highly contentious or involves complex issues (like secret financial accounts, international business interests, or urgent needs), you might need the formal structure of a court.
In such cases, litigation or another process (like arbitration or collaborative law) can offer stronger safeguards – for example, the ability to compel testimony and documents, or to obtain restraining orders and other relief. As one Wake County attorney points out, “protection from abuse” is an advantage of the court: judges can enforce orders and ensure safety in ways mediation cannot.
In short, if you believe mediation would be one-sided or you fear for your or your children’s safety, you should discuss that with your lawyer. The court can step in to protect you. But if you both genuinely want to work things out, mediation is a valuable option to consider.
Official Resources for Wake County
North Carolina’s court system provides detailed information on these processes. The NC Judicial Branch website’s Child Custody and Visitation Mediation Program page explains the mandatory orientation and mediation steps. Its Family Financial Settlement Program page describes how judges order mediation for financial disputes. Wake County’s own Family Court Rules (available on ) spell out the timeline and waiver procedures. For guidance on preparing, the NC courts even offer brochures and guides for self-represented parties. (For example, see the NC Information for Parties Without Attorneys page, which links to a Mediation Confidentiality Agreement and other resources.)
If you’re facing divorce in Wake County, consider talking with an experienced family law attorney about whether mediation makes sense for your case. Mediation can be a faster, more amicable way to settle a Raleigh divorce – but the court system also stands ready to help if you do need a traditional court proceeding.